HEIL HONEY, I'M HOME!

We have earlier referenced the fact that most of the cast members on the television sitcom Hogan's Heroes were Jewish--a fact that some have argued ameliorates the questionable taste of producing a comedy situated in a Nazi prisoner of war camp. However, Hogan's Heroes barely nudges the needle on the tacky meter when compared to the 1990 production of Heil Honey, I'm Home!. This British show, in a style reminiscent of the old Jackie Gleason TV series The Honeymooners, outlines the comic antics of  Adolf Hitler and his bride Eva in their apartment in 1938 and their interaction with their meddling neighbors, the Goldensteins.

The first episode featured a visit by British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain and the attempts by Mrs. Goldenstein to crash the event in order to set him up with her niece Ruth. Additional episodes, which were not released, would have revealed various heavy-handed attempts by the Hitlers to murder their Jewish neighbors.

Believe it or not, the show proved to be controversial. Marian Calabro in her book Zap! A Brief History of Television suggests that "perhaps the show was the world's most tasteless situation comedy."

The bottom line is, The Producers and Hogan's Heroes have established that you can get away with banal productions about the Third Reich, but, consistent with the old adage of "when a pig becomes a hog, it gets slaughtered," you can go too far.

For more information on this TV gem, read the review by Splitsider. Or, better yet, if you wish to judge the show for yourself, watch the first episode (which is available at that same link).

Oh, by the way, the program premiered on September 30, which was the anniversary of the execution of the Munich Agreement (which allowed Germany to carve up Czechoslovakia) in 1938 by Chamberlain, Hitler and other leaders.

Show copyright British Satellite Broadcasting; title card image via
Wikipedia

THE OKLAHOMA FORD BIAS

Photo courtesy of James Andreucci

From 1925 through 1928, owners of Fords in Oklahoma were issued license plates with an "F" stamped in the middle of the number to designate the manufacturer of their vehicles. All other makes of automobiles were not issued special plates.

This was not as capricious and weird a decision by Oklahoma as it might appear at first blush. The Ford product manufactured when this procedure started was the Model T, which was the cheapest car on the road. As such, it was assessed a lower registration fee. Stamping the "F" on the plates insured that the plates could not be fraudulently used after they were issued on more expensive marques of automobiles.

Whether or not Oklahoma stopped this practice as a result of the increased production of inexpensive cars by other manufacturers (such as Chrysler, which introduced the bargain-basement Plymouth in 1928) as well as Ford unveiling the slightly more costly Model A in December of 1927 is a matter of pure speculation at this point.

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THE SCHIZOPHRENIC KING

In 1542, the Irish Parliament enacted "The Crown of Ireland Act 1542," which established that the King of Great Britain would also be the King of Ireland. Subject to a hiccup or two along the way, this system persisted until 1800, when Ireland and Great Britain were merged into the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. In 1922, Ireland became a free nation, but it still retained the King of Great Britain as its head of state (Northern Ireland, of course, continued to remain and still remains entirely a part of Great Britain).

In 1936, after the abdication of King Edward VIII, Ireland amended its constitution to strip the king of all of his duties except for the appointment of consular and diplomatic representatives to Ireland and the "conclusion" of international agreements when authorized to do so by the Irish government. It was not until 1949 that Ireland withdrew from the British Commonwealth and the British monarch was no longer involved in the Irish government.

As a result of the foregoing, during World War II, King George VI was involved in the dual role of trying to destroy Germany on behalf of Great Britain while at the same time formally meeting with and receiving the credentials of the German diplomats to Ireland and being available to execute agreements between the Irish and German governments.

In a similar vein, when India and Pakistan were Dominions of the Commonwealth and fighting each other in 1947, George VI was the monarch of both countries simultaneously.

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EINSTEIN THE ROMANTIC

We have discussed in an earlier Factoid the concept of "self-monitoring," i.e. the ability of a person to know what he appears like to others and to adapt his behavior to make a favorable impression on others. You may recall from that Factoid the assertion that a person who is a low self-monitor and lacks the ability to put on a front nonetheless generally has a stable marriage, as his or her partner knows ahead of time into what he or she is getting and is thus not disillusioned by unmet expectations.

The key word in the prior paragraph is "generally." Albert Einstein, perhaps the epitome of the ultimate low self-monitor, had such poor social skills that all of the prior knowledge in the world would not have saved his first marriage.

The marriage in question was to Mileva Maric, who was no dummy herself. She was a physicist back in the time when women simply were not physicists. After giving birth to an illegitimate daughter in 1902 sired by Einstein (the fate of the daughter is unknown--she was never seen by Einstein and was probably either adopted or died at an early age of scarlet fever), she married Einstein in 1903 and produced a son in 1904 and another in 1910.

The couple eventually separated, but Einstein agreed to take Mileva back upon certain conditions. They were:

CONDITIONS

A. You will make sure:

1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order:
2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.

B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:
1. my sitting at home with you;
2. my going out or travelling with you.

C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.

D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

Despite the foregoing silver-tongued efforts by Einstein to rekindle his romance, the couple ultimately divorced in 1919. Einstein happily moved on to marry Elsa Löwenthal, who was both his first cousin on his mother's side and his second cousin on his father's side as well; he had also been living with her since 1917. The marriage apparently was platonic, but Elsa kept Einstein happy by maintaining a neat home and cooking delicious meals. Elsa died in 1936, and Einstein wrote shortly thereafter "I have got used extremely well to life here," he wrote. "I live like a bear in my den . . . This bearishness has been further enhanced by the death of my woman comrade, who was better with other people than I am."

Despite being a low self-monitor, Einstein enjoyed flirting with women, much to Elsa's disgust. Being the most famous and respected scientist in the world apparently opens doors to you even if you otherwise are a socially-inept nerd.

For more info about Einstein's marital bliss, click here.

THE NORTH KOREAN LINCOLNS

Part of the quaint charm of North Korea, besides its constant sword-rattling, is its mandatory idolatry of its head of state, its lavish devotion to spectacular propaganda events, and its unwavering loathing of everything to do with the United States except for basketball. Subsequently, its seems somewhat odd that during the majestic and highly choreographed funeral procession put on in December of 2011 for its dictator Kim Jong-il a/k/a "Dear Leader, Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance That a Leader Should Have" the casket was carried on top of a hunk of Detroit (well, technically speaking, Dearborn) iron--namely, a highly polished black 1976 Lincoln Continental stretch limousine. Not only that, the parade contained a second vintage Lincoln carrying an immense portrait of the Supreme Leader on its roof as well as a third Lincoln displaying a huge wreath.

In that the United States and North Korea have had only an armistice in place for over sixty years and are still officially in a state of conflict, it is hard to fathom how the Lincolns managed to get imported into that nation in violation of US law. It is possible that they were locally made and are simply clones of the American design (Communist regimes have done that sort of thing before), but this seems to be unlikely in view of the fact that the North Koreans could have more easily copied limos from many other countries which they did not totally despise. A more plausible explanation was given by an official of Ford of Japan, who indicated that one of its dealers had in the past been suspected of selling Ford products to North Korea in violation of Japanese law. This theory is corroborated by the presence of extra rear view mirrors mounted on the fenders near the front of the cars, which is a requirement in Japan but not in most other nations.

Ford headquarters in the USA has been very coy and reticent about commenting on the fact that its products were spotlighted in the funeral of one of the world's most notorious despots, but you can be sure that deep down Ford executives relished the free publicity.

Oh, and by the way, Lincolns were also used in the state funeral of Kim Jong-il's dad when he died in 1994.

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THE SCANTILY CLAD SOX

For three games during the regular season of 1976, the Chicago White Sox wore shorts as part of their uniforms, notwithstanding predictions that it would discourage sliding into base.  The shorts were the inspiration of owner Bill Veeck (pictured below), who had earlier achieved infamy with other extreme examples of baseball showmanship (which will probably be described in future Factoids).

Some of the news photographers objected to the new garb on the basis that it was hard to distinguish in black-and-white pictures the skin of the African-American players from the dark-colored shorts; however, the primary reason that Veeck killed the program after three games was the fact that he did not achieve as much notoriety as he anticipated. 

Veeck determined the success of the White Sox and Sox publicity gimmicks scientifically by measuring each day the number of lines devoted by the Chicago Tribune to the Sox as compared to the Cubs.  When the shorts stories became too short, Veeck figured that he had gotten all of the news coverage he would get from the novelty uniform and killed it.

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BERRY INTERESTING

In the early 1920s, Rudolph Boysen experimented on a small farm in California with crossing a European raspberry with a common blackberry and a loganberry. He produced a large purple berry and then abandoned his project. Several years later, a USDA employee by the name of George Darrow enlisted the help of farmer Walter Knott to track down the source of rumors about the existence of the hybrid. They eventually found a few anemic vines among the weeds of Boysen's farm, and Knotts started to cultivate from them the berry, which he name a "boysenberry," at his roadside stand. The boysenberry turned out be very popular, and the stand evolved into the Knotts Berry Farm empire.

There is probably no truth to the story that when Knotts and Darrow first knocked on Boysen's door inquiring about the fruits of his labor, Boysen started fishing for compliments about his genetic accomplishment, only to have Knotts and Darrow cut him short by saying, "We have come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

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WHY DOES IT ANTIMATTER?

As any science fiction fan knows, antimatter is the reverse image of matter where the electrons in antimatter carry a positive charge and the protons carry a negative charge. When a piece of antimatter encounters normal matter, both of the masses are destroyed and converted to large amounts of energy. 

Antimatter is the primary source of fuel for space vessels in Star Trek. 

It would take the CERN particle accelerator in Geneva, Switzerland one billion years to produce enough antimatter to equal one gram (one 1/454th of a pound). However, one gram would be enough to vaporize the entire city of Chicago.

Human beings actually secrete antimatter. As a result of the radioactive decay of Potassium-40 found in the human body, a person who weighs 175 pounds emits about 180 positrons (positive electrons) of antimatter a day. These positrons immediately collide with matter and are destroyed. However, the amount of energy released from the destruction of a single positron is not noticeable under ordinary circumstances.

Theoretically, matter and anti-matter were created in equal amounts. So why is there so much more apparent matter than antimatter in the universe, and why didn't all of the matter and antimatter cancel each other out, leaving nothing in the universe but a whole lot of energy?  Good question.

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THE UNSAVORY ORIGIN OF EELSKIN

Eelskin leather is eschewed by many persons for purses or wallets under the belief that the skin from an electric eel will produce residual amounts of electricity which will demagnetize credit cards. This fear is without rational basis.  

First of all, it takes about 1,000 gauss of magnetism to effect a credit card (the earth's magnetic field, which is strong enough to effect compass needles, is about one gauss in comparison). 

Second, eelskin leather is not produced from electric eels, or even ordinary eels. It comes instead from a hagfish, which is a repulsive worm-shaped fish which zoologists suspect, but are not sure, is related to a lamprey. 

Hagfish are known for being the only chordates which routinely tie themselves up in knots (the rat kings described in an earlier Factoid are not routine).  They are also renowned for producing enormous quantities of disgusting slime, which is perhaps why their leather is so soft and supple. 

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THE BOSTON MOLASSES DISASTER

On January 15, 1919, a storage tank in Boston containing 2.3 million gallons of molasses ruptured and created the Great Boston Molasses Flood (no, I don't know if there were lesser Boston molasses floods). The 8-foot to 40-foot high (depending which source you believe) tidal wave of brown sugary goodness rolled out at 35 miles per hour (56 kilometers per hour), exerted a force of 2 tons (1.8 metric tons) per square inch, and destroyed buildings, railroad platforms, and trains. The blast created by the displaced air was enough to hurl a truck into Boston harbor. Numerous horses and 21 people were smothered in the goo like bugs in flypaper and died, and another 150 people were injured.

Many factors probably contributed to the disaster, including an unusually fast rise in the outside temperature, carbon dioxide buildup from fermentation, and the filling of the tank to the top in anticipation of making a lot of rum before Prohibition took effect. However, the fact that the tank was made of brittle metal and was only half as thick as it should have been (even by 1919 standards) was most likely the primary cause of the failure.

By the time all of the litigation was resolved, the company owning the tank (Purity Distilling Company) paid out a total of $600,000. This sum, even though the equivalent of $8.6 million today, was quite the bargain for Purity, considering the extent of carnage involved.

Purportedly, on hot summer days, the aroma of molasses still seeps up from the pavement.

"OLD BLOOD AND GUTS" AND THE OLYMPICS

In Stockholm during a broiling summer heat wave in 1912, 26-year old George S. Patton and future general of WWII fame became the first American to compete in the Olympic Pentathlon. Accepted in May of 1912, he had less that two months to train for the games.

The Pentathlon, originally open only to military officers, was a five-course event based on the loose premise that the officer had to deliver a vital message by first proceeding on horseback, then fighting his way through enemy lines by using his handgun and sword, and then finishing his quest by swimming and running to his final destination.

Patton's first event, marksmanship with a pistol, was the most controversial. Most contestants used special .22 caliber handguns, which were highly accurate for target shooting but ineffective as a military weapon. Patton eschewed the .22 with disdain, as he thought that the spirit of the event required that the competitor use a firearm which would actually be a military service weapon. He thus shot the course with an Army .38 revolver, which left much larger holes in the target than a .22. Unfortunately, the judges could locate only 17 holes in the target out of the 20 rounds he fired. Patton claimed that the three missing rounds had gone through the huge jagged hole in the target created by his first 17 shots, but his arguments did not prevail. His resulting low shooting score cost him dearly in his overall rankings, and he would have probably won the Pentathlon had all 20 rounds been scored.

This type of problem was eventually eliminated in later Olympics by the use a moveable backdrop to make sure that every round was recorded. In 1994, air pistols were substituted for real firearms in the Olympic Pentathlon, and in 2012, the air guns were eliminated in favor of pistols which shoot only a beam of light. It is far easier to obtain higher scores with an unrealistic non-recoiling light-emitting pistol than with a genuine handgun, although, of course, all of the contestants share the same advantage.

Patton's second event was swimming for 300 meters. Patton loathed swimming but trained on board the ship taking him to the Olympics in a 20-foot canvas pool by tying a rope attached to the deck around his waist and swimming in place (aficionados of "The Simpsons" will recall the episode featuring "Tethered Swimming" as part of the school's PE program). During the Pentathlon, Patton placed 7th in the aquatic portion after he swam himself to exhaustion and had to be fished out of the water with a boat hook.

In 1996, the swimming portion was wimped down to 200 meters in order to make the event go faster.

Patton's next event was fencing, and he had to have a separate duel with each of the 28 other contestants. Although he finished 4th, he was the only person to defeat Jean de Mas Latrie of France. This was a landmark accomplishment, as the French were respected as the premier fencers and Latrie was considered the greatest fencer on earth at the time. Patton's fencing technique was to ignore any defensive moves and concentrate only on attacking--a system he utilized thirty years later when he was dealing with Germans.

In the current Olympics, although each fencer still faces each other contestant in individual duels, the duels cannot last more than one minute. If there is not a winner at the time, then both participants are credited with a loss.  The equipment is set up so that a hit is registered when the sword touches the opponent's garb and an electric circuit is completed. In 1976, a Soviet duelist was disqualified when officials discovered that his epee had a button on it that he could press which would send out the electrical signal at will.

Patton's next course was the steeplechase. Patton was an excellent rider, but his favorite mount was injured, and he had to complete the course on a loaner horse. Nonetheless, he racked up a perfect score, but was still ranked 6th based on the amount of time it took him to do it.

In the current Olympic Pentathlon, all riders are assigned to unfamiliar horses--they do not bring their own anymore. They are given a little time to practice with them prior to the actual competition.

The final event was a 4,000 meter run through Swedish forest on one of the hottest days of the year. The contestants were not allowed to view the course in advance, and were dismayed to discover that much of the trail consisted of six inches of mud. Two runners fainted on the course, and one of them died. Patton received a large dose of opium prior to the race to help kill the anticipated pain (this was perfectly legal at the time), but his body gave out about 50 meters from the finish line. He walked the remaining distance and then collapsed unconscious. There was concern that he was going to die on the spot, but obviously he did not.

In the modern Pentathlon, the running has been reduced to 3,000 meters, and the shooting aspect has been combined into it (run 1,000 meters, shoot, run another 1,000 meters, shoot, etc.). Shooting with an elevated pulse and heavy breathing after running probably is a more realistic representation of combat conditions. However, the primary result and motivation for all of the rule changes is that the Pentathlon competition has been shrunk from five days to one, leaving additional broadcast time for coverage of the more popular events.

Patton registered to return to the 1916 Olympics, but later political events (i.e. WWI) made it impractical for him to do so.

PATTON (ON RIGHT) FENCING WITH LATRIE

THE SELF-MONITOR SELF-DIAGNOSIS

In 1974, psychologist Mark Snyder developed a 25-question test to determine if an individual is a high or low self-monitor. High self-monitors have a strong ability to evaluate their social situations and respond to subtle social cues in order to present themselves in the best light to the person with whom they are interacting at any given moment. If asked by someone "who are you really?" they would respond, if they did so honestly, "whoever you want me to be." High self-monitors get along well with a wide variety of people, often have many casual sexual relationships, and will often deceive their romantic partners. They tend to chose those romantic partners based on appearance. They do very well as trial attorneys, salesmen, actors, and politicians. They often achieve leadership positions, as they tell people what the people want to hear--regardless what the high self-monitor actually believes.

BILL CLINTON

Low self-monitors tend to be either incompetent or apathetic about how they present themselves and do not easily modify their behavior or beliefs in order to accommodate another person. They lack the antenna to pick up the subtle clues of the reactions of others to them and are thus often socially inept and are not good at sucking up to others in order to impress them. Their reactions and statements to others are usually sincere but also often unfiltered, awkward, and disquieting. Not only do they often not have the ability to follow social conventions, they often simply do not care one way or the other--or, if they do care, they usually are at unease. They tend to choose their romantic partners based on personality.

KING GEORGE VI

Low self-monitors tend to have more successful and stable marriages (and fewer of them). A partner of a low self-monitor knows ahead of time what he or she is getting as a mate, and there are no ugly surprises. On the other hand, a high self-monitor might be charming, caring, and sophisticated prior to marriage but abusive after the knot has been tied when there is no longer any need to maintain the deception.

You can take the original Snyder test yourself to see how you rate. A score from 0-8 indicates that you are a low self-monitor while one from 13-25 indicates that you are a high.

THE ECSTASY OF BEE VOMIT

When you go into grocery store and see row upon row of golden jars of honey (be they conventional jars or cutesy ones shaped like bears), you possibly may not appreciate the amount of effort required to make this popular sweetener. It requires visits by our friends the bees to two million flowers in order to produce a pound of the stuff. A single bee would have to fly 90,000 miles in order to achieve that same amount (she would also personally consume an ounce of the precious food to fuel such a prodigious undertaking).

Historically, honey has been used for a variety of medicinal purposes, such as treating wounds, burns, and hay fever; on those occasions where the patient dies anyway, it can then be used to embalm the corpse. Being composed primarily of simple sugars, it is an excellent source of instant energy but should be approached with caution by diabetics and avoided altogether by infants under one year of age or by soldiers fighting against Mithridates. Romans used it to pay their taxes. John the Baptist utilized it as his major source of carbohydrates, and Cleopatra employed it as part of her beauty regimen.

No one knows for sure the shelf life of honey, as it has been uncovered in 2,000 year old tombs and found to be perfectly fresh.

Also, it tastes really good. 

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WITCHES WITH COJONES

You will recall that the courage of British pilot John Moffit, who used his outdated fabric-covered Fairey Swordfish biplane to lob a torpedo into the rudder mechanism of the German battleship Bismarck, making it a sitting duck for the British fleet. Soviet air navigator Marina Roskova also apparently thought that it would be cool to fight World War II with World War I primitive technology. She formed a cadre of female aviators in the 588th Night Bomber Regiment. The Germans had a different name for them -- "Nachthexen" or, in English, "Night Witches."

Like John Moffit, a Night Witch used a primitive and old-fashioned fabric-covered two-person biplane, the Polikarpov Po-2, to ply her trade. The 588th was designated a night bomber regiment because, duh, it dropped bombs at night. To operate in daylight would have been certain death. The Night Witch would approach her target at a low altitude, cut off the engine, and then glide in to release her ordnance. Because each plane could only carry six bombs, a crew would usually have to fly multiple sorties per night. Because of weight limitations and the necessity to fly close to the ground, a Night Witch usually eschewed the carrying of a parachute.

The slow speed of the aircraft as well as its extreme maneuverability were the best protection against German fighter planes. The typical German fighter would stall out if it attempted to match the velocity of the Po-2. 

The NIght Witches flew over 23,000 sorties and dropped 3,000 tons of bombs by the end of the war. Thirty members died in combat; the surviving pilots flew over 800 missions apiece. Twenty-three of them were awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union. 

The Germans did not like the NIght Witches. They dreaded the sound of a gliding Po-2 -- a sound similar to a swishing broom. Any German pilot who downed a Night Witch automatically received the Iron Cross.

To learn more about these courageous sorceresses, please click here.

By Douzeff (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)
 or CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)],
 via Wikimedia Commons

FINALLY REVEALED! THE ORIGINS OF BRUNCH!

"Brunch, " the term which ranks right up there with "ball clubs" (as though the New York Yankees or St. Louis Cardinals are social groups who play recreational catch on balmy Sunday afternoons) in being so ultra-cutesy that it makes me want to gag,  was coined in 1895 by the English author Guy Beringer. He originally proposed this blending of two meals into a single light one as a solution for hangovers where people recovering from the previous night's alcoholic excesses would not have to leap right into heavy meaty dishes. Originally, it only referred to the meal if it was around the normal breakfast time; otherwise, if it was nearer to the noon repast, it was called "blunch."

I suppose that it is inevitable that someday we will have a mid-afternoon meal called "dunch" or maybe "linner."

For more information on this fascinating topic, please see our old friend mental_floss.

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THE BATH MASSACRE

The worst school massacre in the United States, in terms of numbers of fatalities, did not take place in Colorado or Connecticut. It occurred instead in Bath Township, at the time a small agricultural community about fourteen miles from Lansing, Michigan. On that tragic day on May 18, 1927, Andrew Kehoe murdered 38 elementary school children and six adults and injured 58 others.

Kehoe's attack was cold-blooded, cruel, premeditated, and methodical. Over a course of several months, he accumulated hundreds of pounds of dynamite and pyrotol--not a difficult thing to do in those more innocent times, as the explosives were commonly sold to farmers (such as Kehoe) for legitimate purposes and were not regulated as they are today. Kehoe purchased them in small quantities at various locations to avoid suspicion. He bought new tires for his truck so that he would not get a flat when hauling around heavy loads of dynamite.

The Bath Consolidated School was built in 1922 as a single structure to replace numerous one-room country schoolhouses which were located in the area. Kehoe was a member of the school board. He was also an electrician who performed repairs on the lighting system in the building. He thus had ample opportunity, which he unfortunately utilized, to install and wire explosives throughout the structure.

On May 18, 1927, or perhaps a day or two prior, Kehoe murdered his wife at his farm. He placed bombs within the house and outbuildings and wired the legs of his horses together so that they could not escape the barn. He also cut all of his fences and girdled his fruit trees so that they would die. At about 8:45 AM on May 18, Kehoe detonated the explosives and blew up his farm.

Meanwhile, at the school, classes started at 8:30 AM. Kehoe, using an alarm clock as a timer, arranged for his school explosives to go off at about the same time as he blew up his house--8:45 AM. The initial blast demolished the north wing of the school and killed 38 people--primarily children. Kehoe had also set a second time bomb composed of 500 pounds (230 kg) of dynamite in the south wing, but the explosion in the north wing apparently caused a short which disarmed the second bomb.

Kehoe was not through. About a half-hour after the initial blast, he drove up to the scene at the school in his truck and called over the Superintendent of Schools. Eyewitnesses indicate that they saw the two men wrestling over a long gun, and the truck then exploded, killing Kehoe, the Superintendent, a retired farmer, the postmaster, and an 8-year old boy.

Why did Kehoe commit his atrocities (other than the fact that he was an evil sadistic wacko)? He was upset about taxes.

HEAVENLY CREATURES?

In 1954, 15-year old Juliet Hulme was best buds with 16-year old Pauline Parker in Christchurch, New Zealand. Hulme's father was a physicist (who eventually was instrumental in developing the hydrogen bomb for Great Britain) and a rector of the University of Canterbury in Christchurch; Parker came from a working-class background. Hulme suffered from tuberculosis and could not go to school, while Parker had osteomyelitis. The girls initially bonded over the fact that both had been ill and soon developed a rich fantasy world which included James Mason and Orson Welles. 

New Zealand today has been compared to the United States in the 1950s. New Zealand actually in the 1950s was not regarded a bastion for gay rights, and the practice of homosexuality was considered a serious crime and the condition of being homosexual a grave mental illness. The parents of the girls were very concerned that the relationship between the two could be sexual in nature and were determined to break the friends up. Hulme's parents separated, and Hulme was informed that her father was returning to Great Britain while Hulme would be sent to live with relatives in South Africa "for her health."

Parker tried to convince her mother to allow her to go to Africa with Hulme. Parker's mother flatly refused. Parker and Hulme thereafter plotted to kill Parker's mother and then move together to the United States to write and work on films.

On June 22, 1954, the two girls bludgeoned Parker's mother to death by hitting her twenty times with half of a brick in a stocking. Their alibi fell apart quickly, and both girls were convicted of murder and spent five years in prison--escaping the death penalty because of their age. Their story served as the inspiration for the 1994 movie Heavenly Creatures.

Parker, after serving her time, eventually moved to England, converted to Roman Catholicism, opened up a riding school and has expressed deep remorse about beating her mother to death.

As for Hulme? She became a flight attendant, moved to the United States, converted to Mormonism, and eventually moved to Scotland. She thereafter become a prolific and highly regarded writer of mystery novels and historical fiction. She also deeply regrets her crime (she was outed as a murderer as a result of the movie) and says that her five years in "supposedly the toughest [prison] in the southern hemisphere" was "the best thing that could have happened." You may have heard of her by the name she acquired after her release--Anne Perry.

You can find a list of her books, upcoming events, her thoughts in general, and her autobiography (although sans any reference to the murder) on her website.

Oh, and the lesbianism which provoked the parents to try to separate the girls in the first place? According to Hulme/Perry, it never happened. She says that she and Parker were obsessive, but not in that way. 

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THE ADVERSE CONSEQUENCES OF ESCHEWING COMMIE PSYCHOLOGICAL TECHNIQUES

In early 1993, the FBI met in Moscow with Igor Smirnov, who had founded the highly regarded Psychotechnology Research Institute in the halcyon days for mind-control agencies under the Communist government. The feds wanted a psychological blueprint on how to convince Waco cult leader David Koresh to surrender peacefully.

Smirnov recommended using recordings made by Charlton Heston, as the voice of God, to convince Koresh to stand down. However, Smirnov was only willing to estimate that the technique would have a 70% chance of success. The FBI did not want to proceed with anything less than a 100%, as failure could result in public humiliation.  

Ultimately, the Attorney General Janet Reno, with the approval of President Clinton, chose instead the option of storming the compound, which resulted in the death of 76 men, women, and children. Although in hindsight it was probably not the best of decisions and has had negative repercussions even decades later, Reno at least owned up to it and did not try to shift the blame upstream or downstream.

IGOR SMIRNOV

NAME THAT BATTLE

Many American Civil War* battles bear two different names--one for the North, and one for the South. Yankees, being more urbanized, tended to have been blasé about man-made projects and frequently named their battles after geographical features. Confederates, on the other hand, often lived in wilderness types of areas and found unnatural man-made things more noteworthy. For example, the First Battle of Bull Run was named by the Bluebellies after a creek by that same name, while the identical battle was called the First Battle of Manassas by the Rebs, in honor of a railway station at that location. The Southerners spoke of the Battle of Sharpsburg (a Maryland village), while the Northerners called it the Battle of Antietam (referring to a nearby river).  And so forth.

*Or, as known south of the Mason-Dixon line, the "War Between the States."

BATTLE OF ANTIETAM
BATTLE OF SHARPSBURG

THE COLONIAL COMMONER'S CRIMSON CRUSTACEAN CORNUCOPIA

Lobsters in the United States were not always the high-priced gourmand's fantasy that they are now. During colonial times, they were so ubiquitous that they were ground up and used for fertilizer and were also commonly fed to prisoners and indentured servants. In fact, the practice became so prevalent that the Massachusetts legislature unshellfishly enacted a law prohibiting the serving of lobster to indentured servants more than twice a week.

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THE Tu-4: IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FLATTERY

As an ally of the Soviet Union in its fight against Germany in World War II, the United States provided Brobdingnagian quantities of armaments and other materials to assist the Reds in that conflict. One item requested more than once by the Russians, and refused every time by the Americans, was the Boeing B-29 Superfortress heavy bomber.

The B-29 was developed to carry 20,000 pounds of explosives up to 4,100 miles away in order to rain fire (and ultimately two atomic bombs) on the Empire of Japan. You may wonder, provided that you have read this far, why didn't the USA, instead of designing a new bomber, simply station some of its bombers already in its fleet, like the B-17 or B-24, in Siberia in the Soviet Union and use those to fly the relatively shorter distances to Japan? Well, there may have been logistical problems in establishing American air bases in the remote areas of eastern Siberia (as if there were non-remote areas of eastern Siberia), but the more pressing consideration was that while the Americans were allies of the Soviet Union in fighting Germans, the Soviets were not allies of America in its conflict with Japan. With respect to the Japanese-American war, the Russians were neutral, just like Switzerland--at least until August 8, 1945, when the Soviets finally declared war on Japan two days after the Hiroshima bombing. 

Although I do not know of the specific reasons cited by the Americans for their refusal to supply the Soviets with B-29s, one could easily speculate that the USA wanted them all itself in its campaign against Japan and further saw little good arising from giving a potential foe in the future a long-range heavy bomber, especially when the Russians really did not require one in its fight against Germany. However, Stalin wanted B-29s, so what to do, what to do?

Well, during the course of the war, four American B-29s on bombing raids to Japan landed or crashed on Soviet soil. Pursuant to international law, the Soviet Union, as a neutral country, interred the crews and kept the planes. Some of the crews were sent to camps near the border of Iran. Depending on your viewpoint, Iran was either a member of or occupied by the Allied Powers, and the flight crews were able to easily "escape" into Iran with the tacit approval of the Russians and into friendly hands. Their planes still remained behind until after V-J day, when the Soviets returned one and a remaining crew back to the United States.

No one outside of the Soviets knew what happened to the remaining aircraft until the Aviation Day parade in Moscow on August 3, 1947. At that event, three B-29s majestically flew overhead. Western observers concluded that these must have been the three planes which had remained in Russia. Then, a fourth Superfortress appeared. It was apparent, much to the dismay of the Americans, that the Soviets had reverse-engineered the B-29 and now had an aircraft capable of bombing Los Angeles or Chicago on a one-way mission (or, once in-air refueling was perfected, on a round-trip run). The fact that the Russians exploded their first atomic bomb later that same month did little to assuage the concerns of the Americans.

Stalin had issued strict orders to mobilize over 900 factories and design centers to produce exact clones of the B-29s based on the examples in Soviet custody. Stalin made it clear that "exact" meant "exact." Stalin's myrmidons strictly complied with Stalin's decree (which was a smart thing to have done if you were a myrmidon of Stalin).  In fact, one of the downed American planes had been hit with Japanese fire on an earlier mission and sported a repair patch covering the damage. The Soviet drones methodically put a patch on the same place on the cloned planes. Even if the Soviets had a better design already available for a particular component, they dutifully copied the American version instead. There were in fact a few deviations made (such as the use of Russian parachutes), but only after review by the highest authorities.

The Soviets built about 847 of these aircraft, which they designated as the Tu-4, until the end of production in 1952. They were the first Soviet strategic bomber, and, like their American counterpart, the first plane to drop an atomic bomb for its nation.