THE CROSSING CONTRADICTION CONUNDRUM

A study in New Zealand revealed that a pedestrian had a 28% greater chance of being hit in an official marked crosswalk than if he had simply jaywalked. A similar study in the United States also revealed that pedestrians using the crosswalks on higher traffic multi-lane roads had a greater chance of being hit by a car than did a jaywalker. Both of these studies involved crosswalks which had no other safety or signaling features.

Experts believe that the phenomenon is caused by a false sense of security on the part of the walkers because they are in a designated crossing area and that they pay far less attention to traffic hazards than if they are dashing across the street illegally.

The studies also reveal that the designated crosswalks are far safer if they equipped with a stop sign, traffic light, or other signal. Perhaps that is why New Zealand and Australia have taken the next step and adopted chirping crossing lights.

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"JUST KIDDING..."

For obvious reasons, Soviet tyrant Joseph Stalin found it prudent to surround himself with highly-trained bodyguards who followed him everywhere he went. Well, almost everywhere he went. He issued standing orders that his bedchambers were off-limits to his protectors and that they should never enter therein.

One day, the guards heard bloodcurdling shrieks behind Stalin's bedroom door. They, fearing that Stalin was being assassinated, rushed in only to find out that they were the targets of Stalin's playful sense of humor and that Stalin was screaming merely to find out if his bedroom-avoidance directive would be honored if his men thought that he was in mortal peril.

As a consequence of these loyal myrmidons being willing to take the initiative and disobey orders when they thought it was necessary to do so to save Stalin's life, he ordered them to be executed.

Stalin died in 1953 several days after suffering a stroke. Ironically, at the stroke's onset, he was in his bedroom. When he failed to request his normal morning tea, his guards suspected that something was drastically wrong, but, recalling what had happened to their predecessors, they delayed twelve hours before sending in one very courageous individual who found a urine-soaked Stalin collapsed on the floor. Even more ironically, Stalin had, in a fit of paranoia, recently purged his high-ranking physicians, and they had to dispense their medical advice for his treatment (which included the administration of leeches and the intake of nutrition via enemas) from behind the barbed wire of the Gulags.

It is suspected by many historians that Stalin's Security Chief, Lavrenti Beria, as well as Stalin's successor, Nikita Khrushchev, conspired with other Poliburo members to induce the stroke in Stalin by poisoning him with the blood thinner Warfarin. These officials were purportedly concerned that Stalin's megalomania, impulsiveness, and aforementioned paranoia would provoke him into launching a nuclear war with the United States. Or, maybe they were just fans of John Wayne.

CAN MAN LIVE BY BREAD ALONE?

Although a diet comprised solely of flour, salt, and water might keep you alive for a little while, you would soon die of malnutrition--even if you started out in good health and physical condition.

Now, take the exact same ingredients but mix the flour, salt, and some of the water together, let it ferment for a while, and then bake it. You would then be on a bread and water diet which possibly could keep you alive indefinitely. The leavening and baking of the bread dough would unlock a lot of the nutrients and minerals within--probably enough to sustain life.

Of course, you still would not be in the prime of health, as you would not have vitamin C to withstand scurvy and to help heal wounds, vitamin A to avoid night blindness and your eyes from drying out, the same vitamins A and C to assist in fighting infections, vitamin D to prevent rickets and osteoporosis, or enough fat to maintain hair and skin and to produce adequate levels of testosterone to avoid loss of muscle mass.

HARDTACK BREAD--THE STAPLE FOOD FOR
 SOLDIERS AND SAILORS FOR CENTURIES

THE COLUMBIAN PREVARICATIONS

One of the most cherished American heroes, at least when I was a youth, was Christopher Columbus. One of history's most cherished legends, at least when I was a youth, was that all of Europe was gobsmacked, as a result of Columbus's initial voyage, to learn that the world might be round. In reality, it was common knowledge for around two hundred years prior to 1492 that the earth was not flat, that intrepid sailors did not risk sailing off of the edge, and that Columbus's daring plan to sail around the world was daring only because no one exactly knew how large the world was and, as a corollary, whether or not he had enough provisions for the voyage. The source of the misconception (i.e. lie) was the book The Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus authored by Washington Irving in 1828.

Another such misconception was the common belief that Columbus was the first European to discover America. That honor instead probably goes to Leif Erikkson, who apparently set foot in Canada around the year 1000.

One final facet of Columbus history which was not really discussed when I was in school was his enthusiastic practice of genocide and torture with respect to Native Americans. Adolf Eichmann could have picked up quite a few pointers from this guy. 

Columbus had initially been looking for a better trade route to the far east. However, on his first landing in the New World, he encountered the Lucayan natives from what is currently known as the Bahamas. Columbus described these people as healthy, generous, and hospitable. They freely gave the Europeans anything they wanted and rescued the Santa Maria, saving both the cargo and crew. Unfortunately for the Lucayans, they sported gold earrings. Suddenly, Columbus's obsession for a better trade route was subsumed by a lust for the yellow metal.

Columbus took twenty-five Lucayans back with him to Spain--seven survived the voyage. Upon reporting to his royal sponsors of the potential wealth which could be found in what would later be called America, Columbus was outfitted with seventeen ships, 1,500 men, and literally boatloads of weapons. He thereupon demanded from the natives food, gold, and access to their young women for sexual slavery. And, by young, we are referring to very young. Columbus observed that girls of ages nine or ten could be used as currency, and he often provided them to his officers as a reward.

The natives did not accede to his demands, and Columbus captured some, ordered that their noses and ears be cut off, and released them to return to their villages as an example of what happens to anyone who resisted the Europeans. Eventually, the natives rebelled, and Columbus and his troops quickly quashed the revolt with their superior weapons. In order to alleviate the boredom of genocide, the troops enjoyed siccing their hunting dogs to feed upon any fallen but still living Lucayan warriors.

Columbus returned to Spain sans gold but with a cargo of 500 Lucayans to be sold as slaves. Two hundred of them survived the voyage. Another 500 were enslaved by Columbus's men who remained in the New World and forced to perform arduous tasks, including carrying the Europeans around on the slaves' backs. Other fun activities imposed upon the natives included evisceration, live burial, crushing by horses, or having their babies roasted on spits.

Columbus still had his eye on gold. He implemented a system where each native was required to bring in a certain amount of the precious metal. Once the native met his allotment, he was given a copper disc to wear around his neck which essentially exempted him from further gold collection for a specific period of time. If a native was apprehended with an expired disc or no disc at all, his taskmasters would cut off his hands and require him to wear them around his neck instead.

So, why is Columbus honored by a federal holiday in the United States and put on the same pedestal as folks like Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr.? The slavish devotion to Columbus did not originate with Washington Irving's 1828 publication. Columbia, named after Columbus, was used as a personification of America in a British publication in 1738 and since then has been adopted as the name of cities, a record company, a space shuttle, a university, the capitol of the United States, and numerous other applications. Columbus was the first subject of a commemorative postage stamp issued by the USA and was the inspiration for the World's Columbian Expedition in Chicago in 1892-1893. Also in 1892, President Benjamin Harrison established Columbus Day as a rebuttal to the lynching of eleven Italian-Americans the prior year. Columbus's placement on the pantheon of official federal holidays started as a day of  national observance in 1934, after the Knights of Columbus sought recognition for Columbus as a Catholic who could serve a role model for kids. It achieved full federal holiday status, where mail is not delivered and federal offices are closed, three years later.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, however, various state and local governments since 1977 have dumped Columbus and are celebrating instead Indigenous Peoples' Day.

TRAPPED WITH NO PLACE TO GO

On April 9, 1940, Adolf Hitler, with the assistance of traitor Vidkun Quisling, invaded and occupied Norway with a minimum amount of fuss and effort. Unlike Quisling, the majority of Norwegians did not approve of becoming Nazi puppets, and many actively participated in the Resistance movement against the Germans.

Most Norwegians who lived on the coast (which were a lot) were involved in the sardine industry--either in fishing for the product or preparing it for market. Norwegians relied on the fish as a basic foodstuff, as Norway is not known for its vast herds of beef cattle or acres of orange groves. Consequently, the Norwegian people were less than happy when the Quisling government agreed to process and can the entire year's catch of sardines and turn it over to the Germans for use by the Nazi submarine fleet to feed its crews.

The sardines were to be packed in oil. The Norwegians decided to alter the standard recipe slightly by substituting croton oil instead of the usual vegetable oil. The croton oil was smuggled in courtesy of British intelligence to every sardine cannery in Norway. Did I mention that croton oil is a very, very powerful laxative?

Envision now the life aboard a typical WWII German submarine. There were approximately fifty crew members stuffed in a metal tube without ventilation for three weeks to six months. There were no laundry facilities. Each crew member started the voyage with the clothes on his back and one change of underwear and socks. There were no showers or shaving. High temperatures and high humidity quickly led to mold growing abundantly on food, clothing, and bedding--and sometimes skin. The air, what little there was of it, reeked of unwashed bodies, diesel fumes, and decay. There was a maximum of two toilets, but one would be stuffed with food, as space was at a premium, and this potty would not be available until the food inside was consumed (yummy). The limited space also required that hot-bunking be practiced, which means that when one sailor was on duty, some other sailor would be using his bunk for sleeping.  

This sailor most likely did not rest well, as he would no doubt be contemplating the fact that U-boat crews had the highest casualty rate of any service in WWII, and he would probably be wondering how he would die. Perhaps he would be engulfed in burning fuel. Maybe he would be far below the surface when depth charges breached the hull and tons of water at high pressure crushed him into a little ball of grease. Maybe salt water would come into contact with the batteries and create chlorine fumes, turning his lungs into Jello. Or, perhaps worst of all, his boat might sink with him trapped in a sealed compartment while he suffocated  over a period of hours or days as the oxygen was slowly consumed.

Now, add to this angst the revenge of the Norwegian fishing industry. There are now included in the above equation approximately fifty crew members with violent, explosive diarrhea--all at the same time. There is probably available only one cramped toilet--a toilet, by the way, which could not be emptied simply by depressing a handle but instead had to be pumped out by hand through a complicated series of steps and valves to eject its contents into the sea (if done incorrectly, which often happened with a novice crewman, the dreaded phenomenon known as "back-flush" or "the U-boat baptism" would occur). If each crew member had to obtain relief every fifteen minutes, each crew member had eighteen seconds to go, clean up, and empty the toilet. Add to this equation the fact that because of the noise it produced, the toilet could not be used at all in the presence of the enemy. Finally, consider that toilet paper was in limited supply. The end results were massive "accidents" throughout the boat and a crew who had to use clothing and bunks soiled with evidence of those accidents for weeks or months without relief.

If you want to learn more about the joys of being on a U-boat, try this link.

THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

John Hanson was unanimously  chosen as the first President of the United States when it officially became a country in 1781. He had his plate full as soon as he took office.  Hanson had to avert a potential insurrection by the soldiers who had served in the Revolutionary War, who were displeased by the fact that they had not been paid and that the new government had no money. He got rid of all foreign troops on American soil. He declared that the fourth Thursday of each November would be Thanksgiving. He formed the Treasury Department, War Department, and State Department (called then the "Foreign Affairs Department"). He established the Great Seal of the United States. And he did all of this in one year.

That George Washington dude? He actually was the eighth President, serving after Hanson, Elias Boudinot, Thomas Mifflin, Richard Henry Lee, Nathan Gorman, Arthur St. Clair, and Cyrus Griffin. Yeah, sure, Washington may have been the first President elected under the Constitution while his seven predecessors took office while the country was operating under the Articles of Confederation, but the fact remains that he was still merely the eighth President of the United States.

WHY WE LIKE SYMMETRY

Many, if not most, humans find symmetry to be aesthetically pleasing. In fact, during the 19th century, it was fashionable to have the left side of a room appear to be a mirror image of the right side, even to the point of having the same pictures hung on each side. The dining room in George Washington's home in Mt. Vernon is a classic example of this practice. In a similar vein, cars, planes, boats, and trains are usually designed to be bilaterally symmetrical, at least on the outside, with the left side a reverse image of the right. Those few examples which are not, such as Nazi Germany's Blohm & Voss BV 141 aircraft (pictured below), simply look bizarre to most people.

Bundesarchiv, Bild 146-1980-117-01 / Stöcker / CC-BY-SA 3.0 
[CC BY-SA 3.0 de (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/de/deed.en)],
via Wikimedia Commons 

There is an evolutionary reason why the brain seeks symmetry. The bodies of most animals (over 99% of them, in fact) are bilaterally symmetrical. If you are a prey animal, you want your brain wired to alert to bilateral symmetry in order to spot predators as soon as possible. Conversely, if you are a predator, you are similarly motivated to zoom in on a juicy bilaterally symmetrical meal. 

In short, beauty is not in the eye of the beholder--it is instead in his or her DNA.