YOU'VE GOT TO BE SQUIDDING...

View image | gettyimages.com

Sannakji is a Korean dish consisting of a live octopus. Depending on the preparation (which is virtually non-existent), sometimes the cephalopod is consumed whole, and sometimes it is chopped into smaller pieces immediately prior to being eaten. In either event, the animal or its severed components are very active and vigorously resist being devoured. Its tentacles and suction cups thereon are quite powerful and can cause choking as they attempt to affix themselves to the mouth and throat on their way down, although the fact that the creature is extremely slimy may help make it slide through more easily. It is best not to concentrate on the fact that part of the package includes eating octopus intestines and their contents.

Despite not being fellow mammals, octopuses are fairly intelligent and sensitive to pain. Their attempts to flee indicate that they do not enjoy being eaten alive, although that obviously is a common experience in their native environment. It is hard to gainsay the assertion that from the perspective of the octopus, the procedure is very cruel.

For a video of the eating of a whole octopus, go here. For the chopped-up alternative, try here.

THE URSINE ARTILLERY UTILITY

Wojtek as a youth

In general, 1939 was a bad year for Poland, with Germany eviscerating it on the west and the USSR disemboweling it on the east. In the east, those Polish troops who survived both the initial battles as well as the subsequent genocide were shipped off to gulags in Siberia.

Once Hitler betrayed Stalin and attacked Russia in 1941, the Russians suddenly decided that the Poles weren't so bad after all and determined that they were suitable for use as cannon fodder against the Germans. Inexplicably, however, most of the Poles who had been previously imprisoned by the Soviet Union had limited enthusiasm for fighting for that country. These malcontents were generally shipped to Iran where they were allowed to join the British Army.

While in Iran, members of the Polish 22nd Transport Artillery Supply Company encountered a young lad who was carrying a sack containing a very malnourished brown bear cub. The Polish soldiers purchased the cub and starting fattening him up on a diet whose major component was beer. The bear became the mascot of the company. 

The bear thrived in his new environment and learned to march on two legs with the rest of the troops (or ride in a jeep when motorized transportation was available) and salute officers. He became very fond of smoking cigarettes, guzzling beer, and wrestling with his human companions. He loved hot showers and eventually had to be locked out of the bathhouse because of his skill in manipulating the faucets and turning them on. One day, he sneaked in when someone left the door open and discovered an enemy spy. Rather than negotiate with a 500-pound brown bear, the agent ran out to surrender to the Poles, and the bear received extra beer and cigarettes that evening.

Eventually, the British sent the Poles over to fight in Italy. The Brits initially banned the bear from accompanying the unit, but the Poles formally enlisted the bear and provided him with a serial number. This procedure satisfied the legal technicalities, and the bear went to war.

At the Battle of Monte Cassino, the Poles were sent against hardened German troops who had withstood two prior assaults from other units. The bear observed his human companions lug ammunition up to the guns on the front lines. Thinking that this might be fun, the bear pitched in and worked day and night on his hind legs hauling artillery shells and 100-lb boxes of ammo to the front while totally ignoring the gunfire and sounds of battle. Maybe he wasn't smarter than the average bear after all, but he never dropped a round.  At any rate, the ursine demonstrated that he was truly worthy of the name which had been bestowed upon him during his cubhood--namely, "Wojtek," which means "takes joy in battle."

The Germans, however, probably did not take joy in the battle. You can imagine one demoralized Nazi soldier screaming to another "Hans, what the @#$%? They have @#$%-ing bears fighting for them now?"

After several other bear-attended martial engagements and the end of the war, many of the Poles emigrated to Scotland as an alternative to living in Soviet-dominated Poland (it really was dominated by the Soviets, notwithstanding what Gerald Ford said in 1976). Wojtek spend his remaining years, until his death in 1963, in the Edinburgh Zoo, wrestling with his former war buddies and bumming beers and cigarettes. By all reports, notwithstanding the possible non-compliance with PETA guidelines, Wotjek had a very enjoyable life.

A depiction of him carrying an artillery shell now constitutes the official insignia of the Polish 22nd Artillery. 

You can read more about Wotjek at the delightfully profane Badass of the Week website.

THE SORDID ORIGIN OF "PAC-MAN"

View image | gettyimages.com

The pronunciation for the Japanese word for "munch" is "puck." The U.S. version of the "Pac-Man" video game was going to be named "Puck-Man" based on the fact that the main character races around the screen munching everything. This designation was changed to "Pac-Man" out of the bizarre belief on the part of the makers of the game that some American teenagers would intentionally mispronounce the original version of the name.

FELINE CIRCULAR LOGIC

PICARD--THE NICE CAT

One phenomenon which gained internet notoriety was "cats in circles." Specifically, if you place a circle of roughly two feet (60 cm) in diameter on the floor, your family feline will PROBABLY (it is a cat, after all!) come sit within it. It does not matter if the circle is made with bricks, clothesline, duct tape, Kiwi fruit, shotgun shells, or even a magic marker--you will find the cat inside of it in a matter of minutes.

To test this strange hypothesis, I borrowed Picard, my daughter's good cat (she also has an evil one, who would probably enter a circle only if it were composed of my freshly-eviscerated entrails). I took off my belt, buckled it together, and, while tightly holding my britches up with one hand, placed the loop on the floor. Within moments, Picard entered the room and plopped himself within the circle formed by the belt, as can be seen in the above photo.

Why do cats to this? Click here for a variety of theories. I myself gave up years ago trying to figure out what makes kitties tick.

THE CAPITAL OF PORTUGAL

View image | gettyimages.com

Although Lisbon is currently the capital of Portugal, that has not always been the case.

In 1808, the Portuguese royal family and most of the Portuguese aristocracy fled Portugal due to an infestation of French troops under the banner of Napoleon. Since much of Europe suffered from this same blight, the fugitives migrated to Brazil, Portugal's colony in the Americas, and transformed Rio de Janeiro into the capital of Portugal. It retained this elevated status until 1822, when Brazil achieved its independence as its own nation.

This is the only example of the capital of a European country being located outside of Europe.

You might think that the inhabitants of Rio de Janeiro would have been proud of the elevated status of their city, but most of them resented instead the fact that many of them were evicted out of their homes in order to make room for the flood of incoming nobles.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FATHER'S DODGE

If you are tired of your wimpy Harleys or Hondas, then try stepping up to a manly motorcycle. 

The 2003-2006 Dodge Tomahawk was powered by the same 500 horsepower, 510 cubic inch 10-cylinder engine used in the Dodge Viper high-performance sports car. It could go from 0 to 60 MPH in 2.5 seconds and had an estimated top speed ranging from 300 to 420 MPH, depending on whom you believed. The actual top speed is unknown because to date no one has had the courage to attempt to reach it, especially in light of the likelihood that the wind generated would exceed that of an EF5 tornado (200 MPH and higher) and would sweep the rider right off of the bike. 

Dodge executives maintained that the Tomahawks were merely "rolling sculptures," were not street-legal, and were never intended to be ridden. Such a disclaimer was no doubt issued for liability concerns based on the belief that anyone crazy enough to try to ride one had a substantial chance of getting killed. Some folks have ridden them conservatively and survived.

It is believed that nine of these motorcycles were sold through Neiman Marcus at the price of $555,000.00 apiece. Hopefully, each buyer also purchased a decent helmet.

View image | gettyimages.com

THE NOTORIOUS HANS ULRICH-RUDEL

View image | gettyimages.com

Hans Ulrich-Rudel was a German pilot in World War II who flew 2,530 combat missions at a time when most airmen failed to survive 25. He piloted primarily Stukas, which had powerful cannons but which were slow and unwieldy. He nonetheless destroyed 11 aircraft, 519 tanks, 4 armored trains, 70 landing craft, 150 artillery pieces, several bridges, over 1,000 trucks, 2 cruisers, 1 destroyer, and, with the assistance of another Stuka pilot, the Soviet battleship Marat. He was shot down 32 times by anti-aircraft fire, often behind enemy lines.  In the middle of the war, one of his legs was shot off, but he continued to fly in combat.

The only German more decorated than Rudel was Herman Goering; however, Rudel was the only person ever to receive the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross with gold oak leaves, swords, and diamonds. Ironically, for nearly the first two years of the war, he was in a non-combat role because his superiors thought him to be a poor pilot.

After the war, Rudel went to Argentina and played tennis and climbed mountains while hobnobbing with the Perons and Joseph Mengele. He returned to Germany in 1953 and became a successful businessman until his death in 1982.

Purportedly, Rudel provided technical advice on the development of the American A-10 aircraft.

I wish I could tell you that Rudel was not a rabid Nazi and that he eventually had regrets about serving Hitler's agenda. Unfortunately, there does not appear to be any evidence available which would support such assertions.

For further information about Hans Ulrich-Rudel, check out his biography at the Badass of the Week website. This site features extremely colorful accounts of extremely colorful people (or sometimes animals), both good and evil, doing extremely dangerous things without regard to personal safety.  Be prepared, however, for a little profanity.